Remember when you first met? Remember how intrigued you were with your partner? I want you to keep that level of intrigue. Why shouldn’t you? They’re the same fascinating person. They haven’t changed since the first day you met them. But at times your perspective has.

Regain the perspective of intrigue. Curiosity. Stay amazing. Because when you’re amazed, you’re in touch. In tune. To maintain an amazed mindset is to keep away the predictable, the mundane, the ruts. And it’s a simple choice you can make by yourself. On a larger scale, stay intrigued with life itself. Your days will feel fresh and alive! More on this.

Spice! That’s what I want you to add to your relationship now…and tomorrow…and next week. And you do that “on purpose”. Don’t expect your love and passion to mysteriously grow on its own. Put in some effort. Get creative.

Look for new ways to confirm your love to your partner. Tiny ways! They pay huge dividends in the health and joy of your relationship. Keep it fresh! Get ‘em their fav candy. Take ‘em dancing. Doodle “I love you” on their side view mirror. Leave a note and let them stumble upon it. Buy them a massage for no special occasion. Better yet, give them one! Look for new ways to help them feel the love. Never ever assume that they don’t need or desire this.

Simple choices to act out love can keep you slipping into that dreaded, passionless land of taking each other’s love for granted.

Everything is “how you hold it”. Love is no exception. 

When you hold love as a “right” that you deserve, then all sorts of ugliness is set into motion. But when you hold it as a privilege you then set the stage for an entirely different experience.

I want you both to recognize your deep seated belief on this and consider how you hold your love, your marriage, your partner. When I hold love as a right, my ego takes over. Expectations rule, while appreciation goes away. After all, if it’s my “right” to be loved, then you’re supposed to love me, right? This mindset will promise a long, stale, taking-for-granted relationship.

Awaken your love! Shift it over to the Privilege side! On that side lives expression of appreciation for being here. It’s where love stays fresh and where tomorrow is something you actually look forward to.

I invite you to adopt a grateful heart toward you partner. God has blessed you. Even if you’re going thru a scuff right now…give thanks. And tell your partner “thank you for being here”. And tell them what you specifically appreciate about them. Start the ball rollin’. Hold your love with an attitude of gratitude rather than as something you’re owed.

Have you ever tried mixing oil and water? Can’t do it. Next time you’re angry at your partner, try something really outta the box.

Proverbs 2:11 has made a huge difference in my life. In that moment when I’m angry AT anyone, it’s hard to show love at the same time. Kinda like oil and water. Guess what melts my anger? When I make the gutsy choice to try and Understand them. Yep. Try it…it works!

I do believe that it’s impossible  for me to be angry at you in the same moment of genuinely trying to understand you. When I’m angry, I’m reacting. I want to consistently choose to RESPOND rather than to react. And responding looks like choosing to give you the respect of understanding.

Let Understanding Guard your Heart. Don’t wait for them to do it for you…do it for them! Set the pace. Start the ball. BE the change you want. It’ll bring you the thing you wanted in the first place…LOVE! Yeehaw!!

Now I know we’ve all been taught to NOT be selfish. So you’re asking, what’s this jaybird talkin’ about!

One of the single most important things I can do for my partner is…to love myself! That’s right! Hey, there’s good reason why the flight attendant on the plane announces, “in case of cabin decompression, please put the oxygen mask on yourself first before putting the second mask on your child”. Why? Because you’re not good for anyone else until you take care of yourself first!

So, it’s not so much “selfish” as it is “self loving”.

Take yourself out to a nice lunch or a night out with the friends. Do something you love doing that you haven’t done in a very long time. Pamper yourself. Be selfish! Read a good book. Hear a good sermon. Exercise! It brings you joy and vitality and so just imagine what it brings to your marriage!

I raised my two kids alone after their mom died. I remember one of the best things I did for my kids was…I went out two-steppin’ on Thursday nights. Oh yeah! That brought such energy and fun to my week, and it no doubt showed up in how I treated my kiddos.

Do your relationship a big favor and Love Yourself. In a strange upside-down way, loving yourself will make you a better lover I promise!

That, my friend, spells INTIMACY. Now lemmy talk to you guys out there for a second…Guys! We were taught of course to Not show our emotions and to Not let the others see anything “tender” or “real”. It’s not “manly” right? Well guess what! That doesn’t work with love!

Guys and girls, when’s the last time you let your partner see you cry without apology? When did you last share a fear, a genuine fear with them? Or asked for their help in processing something? In To Me See…you gotta open your kimono baby! Let your loved one see the real you not the you that you’re pretending to be so folks will think that you have it all together. That guy never gets to experience real Passion. Think about it…there’s nothing more attractive on a human being than their willingness to be wrong or to expose the side of themselves that they try so hard to hide. It’s genuine. It’s real. It’s LOVE!

These are magical words! Absolutely magical! HABIT is an important word in any relationship. You can easily get into the habit of NOT communicating in a positive manner.

It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of communicating my needs with sentences that start with “You never…” or “Why don’t you ever…”  or “You used to…”. For example, “You don’t rub my shoulders like you used to”. Such statements are from a root of shaming. And we all do it more often then we probably realize!

OK, try this on for size, it works great for me: “When you rub my shoulders I feel loved and nurtured.” Holy cow! That’s so much better! And trust me, your chances of getting the rub will be much greater!

Be about the practice of making YOURSELF a better lover, rather than trying to make your partner so. Bit by bit, become a better communicator of what you need. And this is a great start.

I have to write about this again, as it’s just that important. Gary Smalley put together a personality test that I use all the time. It takes 5 minutes to take it, yet it will literally alter how you do love.

Without going into long explanation about the test, I’ll just remind you of how important it is to not only understand where your partner comes from, but to absolutely Celebrate it! When I was a weee-lad I had a critical spirit at times when my partner didn’t see things the way I did. You know what i mean? “How could she not see that!” Then as years passed by I GOT IT! She’s not me!! I mean, she’s a mater and I’m a tater! And we’re each very important in the bowl of stew! For me to get, really get, that she’s created perfectly different than me, set me free to love her on a new level.

Go here and take the test. And have your partner take the test as well. Find out what animal you are. I’m an Otter. And now I understand why I’m such a goof-ball. And now I understand that some folks are beavers, and that’s perfect! What a lift to be able to actually celebrate the differences! I assure you, a much fuller, richer love awaits that place where you come to appreciate and celebrate your partner’s differences!

I’ve discovered a secret with love, and I’m thrilled to share it with you. It reminds me of what we used to do years ago when I was in the landscaping business. When weeds began to grow in the lawn, we didn’t poison them. Nope. Rather, we simply fed the grass. Guess what happened? You guessed it…the grass grew greener and in no time the weeds were squeezed out.

With your love, I want you to feed the blooms. Whatever you feed, that’s what will grow. Don’t feed your problems. Make the choice to not complain, but rather to speak the positive. Shower your mate with encouragement rather than criticism. Do you want more romance? Lordy stop complaining about it and BE IT! Recognize how you’ve been feeding the weeds and stop it! And look for ways to feed the love. I guarantee you, it will grow. Icky begets more Icky. And faith, hope and love beget more faith, hope and love. This is Very exciting news! You can literally stop waiting for the love you want and start Creating it! Yeehaw!!!

At times the clues are just so darn obvious! And dag nabbit, I still miss ‘em!

In God’s design He even makes the clues loud and clear! He made us with 2 ears and 1 mouth, right?  So take the hint…listen twice as much as you talk!

When you hear the word “communicate”, what comes to your mind? I dated a girl once who thought that to communicate was to talk. That’s how she defined what it meant to communicate. Funny thing was, for me it meant  listening. So take a wild guess what our communication looked like!

Are you a talker or a listener? Clearly both are necessary. But I’m here to encourage you to hone your listening skills. Practice closing your mouth and hearing what your partner is saying. Without rebuttal or commentary. Incredible things happen when you listen, really listen. Love unfolds as you move away from your agenda to speak in order to get your point across, and more toward shuttin’ the ol’ pie hole and genuinely listening to understand. Holy cow good things come to your door in the place of empathetic listening! Wewey!

Gandhi’s words were so profound that they helped shape how I do life. “…Be the change you want to see in the world”. Do you know how many years I wasted just waiting for my partner to change? I just wanted her to be what I wanted her to be!  Was that asking too much? Holy cow! Thank God I see the light or I would still be waiting. And waiting. And waiting!

What is it that you want in love? More touch? Then touch more! More honesty and openness? Then be more open and honest! More excitement? Then be more exciting!!! It works like magic. OK…I’m goofy, we all know this. And you know what I notice? I notice that my goofiness gives others around me permission to be goofy! Go figure! My relaxed state relaxes others. Whatever you choose to be will be contageous. It’s Life Truth #423. Be the change you want in your relationship. The waiting game only kills days and builds icky sticky things inside you. YOU create what you get. Like it or not. Whatever you want, create it by literally becoming it. Then watch love grow as your life brings you more and more of what you want. Yeehaw!!

A friend of mine texted me today and said that she needs to start giving, and that her life has become all about her. And she’s felt sort of “stale”.

I write to you this message with so much passion in my heart. I wish for you the magic and miracles that come to you when you give. When you contribute to someone outside yourself.

I don’t fully understand it. It’s almost as if we’re simply wired this way. There’s a joy that overcomes us when we give. Think about it. The next time you’re depressed, get up and take a gift to your neighbor. Feel the depression lift. I know that’s a very simple example. In your marriage, in your relationship, don’t fall into the rut of always looking “inward”. Always, always be up to some form of contribution…of doing something to make someone else’s life better. Trust me, life’s a boomerang and blessings will surround you. What a paradox: Doing for others is the best thing you can do for yourself. And when you do it within the context of your relationship, your love dances! Get involved together in a cause outside of your relationship. It’s a key to love that brings great joy and vigor.

I like to observe what it is that’s different with those couples who seem to have mastered keeping love fresh and alive. Here’s one clear difference: They have a choice on what to look for in their mate. And that choice sets up what’s to come next!

If I look for what my partner doesn’t do, then all sorts of “doesn’ts” are gonna show up! On the other hand if I look for what she does do for me, that’s what will show up as well. Whatever I focus on gets BIGGER. And so my choice will be to look for the good. As I do that, and as I express appreciation for it, then by golly it shows up more and more. Yeehaw!

This is such a simple equation to love, but it works! Whatever I dwell on consumes me and sets the tempo. And so I make the Choice to dwell on what’s good. Of course you need to deal with it all, but it’s your choice of which you’ll give more fuel to. It’s kinda like giving thanks for what you DO have when you’re faced with something you don’t have. Dwell on the things that are good. And watch them get bigger. And then watch love get bigger as a result of your simple choice of what to look for. Look for the good….you’ll find it!

Last night’s wedding went off without a hitch. Until the end. I mean, before that unexpected ending there were six hours of bliss. Of Love. Of making memories. Romance, hugs, laughter! Yeehaw! And then it was time to go. Everyone is outside and ready to blow the bubbles. The limo is to arrive anytime now. But…you guessed it…it never arrived. ten minutes late. Twenty minutes late. Thirty. Finally at 45 minutes of standing around waiting for the no-show limo, the bewildered bride and groom decided to just hop in their own car and go.

I’m a huge fan of the concept that God gives us tips on life in everything that happens. Nothing, and I mean nothing happens without benefit. I watched as some guests become more and more upset at the driver. Each passing minute seemed to erode more and more of the bliss that we had all been experiencing that afternoon and evening. It reminded me of how Joy is a Choice. How easy it was for some to let one driver, whom they’ve never met nor will never meet, steal their joy of the entire evening. FOCUS. That’s a critical key to joy in relationship. You can focus on “what’s not” or you can focus on what is and be joyful for it. Yes, of course the driver goofed. Of course he did! And any degree of anger hurled at him simply erodes that much more joy that’s yours.

Always, always, in everything, give thanks. I know you know this. You’ve heard it a thousand times. But I’m here to remind you one more time. Today, right now, stop and list in your mind what you’re most grateful for. Say them out loud. Count your blessings. And all that other stuff that just happens? Well, take the words from one of the guests last night: “Hey, it is what it is”.

Choose joy.

Yesterday I did a Barefeet shoot with this couple, Anatalie and Mario. How blessed I was! That’s one of the most exciting parts of my job…being right smack dab in the middle of  love. Love that’s fresh and “alive”! And it can stay that way! Here’s how.

I reminded the two, after we were done shooting, to remember the things that brought them here. In their case I noticed his total acceptance of her. She’s very different than him. She can get emotional and opinionated about things. He on the other hand is very laid back and steady. It’s a Perfect complement. She can give him a nudge now and then, and he can remind her to remain calm. But they both do it in a very very non-judmental way. They recognize that “different is Good!” THAT’S what I want them to remember.

And I want you to stop and think about the one or two elements that make your love work. Bring them to mind and never let them fade. Always keep them in front of you like a hockey puck. It’s important that we do love more “on purpose” rather than by chance. Let your strong suites be Strong. Practice them regularly. Let them deepen your love. If you’re not aware of the one or two things that make your love work, then STOP. Be still. And become aware of what they are. And then commit to growing them everyday.

Love is no accident my friends. It’s fueled and groomed and consciously grown. “On Purpose.”

When’s the last time you looked up at the sky? Sky gawking is one of my favorite things to do with my son Alex. Now and then I’ll here, “Dad! Look at that one! Whoa”. We’ll Oooo and Ahhh over the colors and designs and vibrant contrasts.

God is a master designer. Amazing how everyday looks different. Stop. Breeeeathe. Seriously! Do it! Stop. In your most rushed day, stop. Look up. And just gawk. Love multiplies for me when I carry with me the Attitude of Gratitude. And while you’re gawking at the sky…gawk at your partner! Tell them what you noticed today about “who they are”. Express the colors and contrasts of what makes them THEM. Now That’s Love baby!! To gawk at your partner is love thru the ears! Just do it and see what happens. Stay in the habit of gawking. It keeps love hoppin’! Hop hop!

I used to think to myself, “why can’t she see it my way”, or “why is she reacting to that”! I sometimes still shake my head at my honey’s reasoning. BUT, it’s different this time. I’m finding myself shaking my head with a smile. A loving smile. I’m finally getting it! She’s a mater, I’m a tater!! We’re different veggies in the same stew! And thank God we are! Mercy, imagine if this stew only had taters! How boring would that be? So as we let the other be ourselves, love works baby!

Celebrate your partner’s differences. Know, I mean really know, that they were created with different stuff than you. On purpose, with purpose! And that’s a good thing! Gosh, that’s even what makes our nation great… our strength is in our diversity. When you stop resisting the differences and start celebrating them as perfectly OK, then love Sizzles! I gotta nudge you on this one. Step back and recognize what you’re resisting in your mate. Then vow to turn it around into adoration.That’s right…adore the thing you’re resisting! I’ll betcha you loved their difference when you first met them. Get back to love. Retire the resistance. Get over yourself. Let it go. Laugh. Love. And tell ‘em how much you absolutely adore the part that sometimes just makes you…shake your head and smile.

I’m finishing up my coffee time this morning. I often start my day with the phone on vibrate & fresh-ground coffee made in my super duper French Press (wewww!!). It’s my time. It’s a gift I give myself. Without it my day would be different. Not quite as centered and together.

I’m certain that, one of the best things you can do for your love relationship is to love yourself. Literally. Do things for you. Kind of ironic that, my kids and my honey all get the benefit from my doing acts of love for myself. When you don’t take care of you, then you often end up a martyr or a leach. Martyrs sacrifice themselves “for the good”. Leaches suck the life outta their partner because they have no life or their own. Don’t let yourself fall into the trap! Make time to love yourself and to do things you love doing. It’s healthy for everyone around you. It breathe Life into your relationships.

This life is no dress rehearsal baby! Take time for you. Whether it be a night out with the girls, that horseback riding class you always wanted to take, quiet time, new shoes…whatever! Just do it!

http://stopdiggin.com/video/forblog/turtle.flvMany of you have heard about my Barefeet (you can view one here). Well, not my barefeet, but you know…my Barefeet productions. I think they’re magical! Recently I filmed a Barefeet with Joy and Andy while walking thru the Arboretum near Memorial Park. In closing, a turtle crossed right in front of us on the path. And so naturally I made him/her a star near the end. You can view it in the clip above. Kinda cool.

I think the part I love most about Barefeet is that it brings your love relationship to a more “mindful” level. I mean, we all fall in love, right? And too often we don’t stop and consider…really consider what it is that’s making this love work. My friends, it’s no accident. Love is not a coincidence. It works because clearly something is present. Maybe an extra dose of acceptance. Or verbalized appreciation. Or a genuinely expressed interest in each other’s dreams or ideas. Or maybe there’s a resolve to be honest without exception.

Clearly there are things that make love fizzle and things that make it Sizzle baby! And it’s SO good to stop, breathe, and bring to mind what IS working here. During my Barefeet sessions we have a bunch of fun talking about the relationship.  I eventually bring the filming to this point, a point of considering what it is that really is working here. So, the magic of these Barefeet mini productions is just that. We get past the cake and flowers and ceremony, and visit the heart of who you are as a couple. Why is that important? Because you want to remember and practice the things that are making your love sing! My nudge to you is this: Bring to mind one, just one thing that’s working. Maybe you don’t know what it is right now. That’s OK. Think about it. I promise you there’s something you’re doing that’s feeding your love. Talk about it. Toast over it. And vow to keep that action alive and well!

Oh and, by the way, the turtle got it right on the first take. A real natural he is. She is. It is.

I just filmed a couple for one of my Barefeet productions. At the end of each of these one-hour shoots I feel that I know my couples fairly well. During this particular session I noticed a sweet energy between Jennifer and Anthony. I thought about it, about what it was that made them different. I decided that there was an element present with them that I have seen now and then with couples in love. What was that element? They had an “easiness” between them. A peaceful energy that comes from one thing: Acceptance. For me it was a beautiful reminder about this word called ACCEPTANCE. It’s almost like  the necessary flour in the bread recipe.

Jennifer was 100% OK with who he is. And Anthony was 100% OK with who she is. Totally. No if’s and’s or but’s. I notice that love fizzles when we move away from this thing called Accept. You know, when we begin to question or criticize who our mate is. That leads to trying to change them, right? Ha! That’s a riot…trying to change our mate! We all know what that leads to. No one in the history of the world has been able to change their mate. It only leads to dissention and resistance which eventually leads to isolation & anything BUT love.

I encourage you to hang on to the simplicity of the things that brought y’all together. Get back to the basics. Get back to love. Go beyond mere acceptance… Celebrate your mate’s differences! Yeehaw!! It takes self-love to be able to fully accept another. So let that icky non-acceptance within your own heart  be your work, not your mate’s work. They are going to be who they are going to be, regardless of how you feel about it. So thank God for exactly who they are, and tell them so! Practice Acceptance!